Fred and George: A History
by maraudette-kim
Summary: Property of Fred and George Weasley
1. Introduction

**Introduction**

Hello! So you decided to read our life story, eh? We'll you're our kind of guy! Or girl, because I don't really know what gender you are, being that I can't see you.

_Stop it, George! You're screwing up the introduction!_

_Sod off, Fred. I'd like to see you do a better job._

_Fine! _

Hello fellow readers! My name is Fred Weasley, and this is my twin brother, George.

_Hey! Why did you say your name first?_

_Because Mr. Obvious, I'm the one writing the intro! _

_But your name is ALWAYS first. Why don't we change the title to 'George and Fred: a History?_

_Because you dolt! It sounds better the other way!_

_Whatever._

Now as I was saying, _that_ is my brother George. Now we'll start the story off –

_Wait a minute_

_What is it now George?_

_Why do you get to decide where the story begins?_

_Because_

_Because why?_

_Just because._

_That's not fair!_

_Fine! Have it your way! You pick. So much for an introduction..._

_Stop your talking, Fred._

_Would you please just continue?_

_Okay. Lets start at the very beginning..._

_Way way back..._

_In our Mum's uterus..._


	2. The Troublesome Trio

**The Troublesome Trio**

_George! You moron! What a waste of a chapter! In uterus? C'mon! We didn't even know what the bloody hell we were until we came out of Mum's – ahem – thing._

_Yes well..._

_Well?_

_I just want to point out that YOU had more space in there, Fred._

_I did not! _

_Did to_

_Did not_

_Did to_

_I did not! You were the one that came out first remember? _

_Well that was probably from all your pushing! _

_This is going nowhere...I'm sorry George._

_Me too, Fred. Shall we continue from where we left off?_

_Umm, well why don't we skip a few years and get to our first year at Hogwarts?_

_Agreed._

"Fred – George – behave yourselves!" Mrs. Weasley cried as the Hogwarts Express rolled out of the station.

George poked his head out the window. "Don't worry, Mum."

"Finally," Fred muttered as he comfortably sat down.

"Fred, do you smell something?" George asked slyly, "Fred...did you..?"

"No! I didn't!" Fred said hotly

"Well it wasn't me," George said reassuringly

"Wait a tick," Fred exclaimed, "The smell is coming from outside the compartment!" he said as he slid open the compartment door. People were running down the isle, covering their noses. Some people were desperately opening windows, while others were frantically waving their cloaks in the air to get rid of the horrible stench.

"Excuse me," Fred said, as he stopped a girl who was running towards the back of the train, "but can you tell me what's going on?"

"Someone let off at least ten dungbombs in the Prefect's compartment. If I were you I'd move because it's getting stronger up here," she said as she brushed past him.

"Brilliant!" George said as he and Fred retreated back to their compartment and started to close the door.

"I wonder who did –"

"Hey! You two!" yelled a boy who was darker skinned, and had dreadlocks, "mind if I join you?"

"Not at all."

"Thanks. I'm on the run from those Prefect prats. I got 'em good with my dungbombs,"

"That was your doing?" Fred asked with admiration

"Yep," he said as he held out his hand for the twins to shake, "I'm Lee Jordan."

_Oh and that is how we met Lee!_

_Such a happy day 'twas!_

_Indeed! Overwhelming really._

_I don't know about you Fred, but I'm a little bushed._

_Bushed?_

_Tired!_

_Well why didn't you just say tired?_

_Because I felt like saying bushed!_

_Okay, sheesh! _


	3. Our dearest friend, Snape

**Our dearest friend, Snape**

_Okay! So where did we end off? Oh yes, when we first –George, why are you staring at me like that?!_

_Nothing._

_Alright...well I think that –George why do you keep looking at me like that?_

_No reason._

_I don't believe you!_

_I guess I can't hide anything from you dear brother. Well Fred, I think you accidentally ate a – er – canary cream._

_WHAT?_

_Hey! You told me to tell you!_

_Please tell me I don't look like a pigeon. _

_Canary._

_Whatever._

_Umm..you don't look like a canary._

_O phew! Then why d'you keep looking at me like I look like one?_

_Because you do._

_WHAT? You idiot you just said I didn't!_

_Yeah, but you told me to._

_George! You worthless flobberworm!_

_Hey! I resent that..._

_Yeah, well I resent the fact that I look like a crow!_

_Canary!_

_Whatever!!!_

_Well I certainly had nothing to do with it!_

_Sure you didn't. I'm going to have to find an antidote for this._

_No worries Fred! I'll just continue the story. _

_Cha! Right, like I'd let you do it on your own!_

_But Fred, you look like a bloody bird!_

_Lay off George! I've had enough of you! First the brain freezing chew—_

_Well that WAS funny!_

_Then the 'eau-de-toilet' cologne! _

_That's toilette!_

_Whatever! The point is, you're starting to become my enemy and—_

_FRED! You're a bloody genius!_

..._I am? I mean, of course I am!_

_We can continue the story with some of our – ahem – 'friends'._

_Oh, I see where this is going! Lets start of with our old pal, you-know-who._

_VOLDERMORT?!?!_

_Shh! No you git! I mean a certain greasy haired professor..._

"WEASLEY"

Fred nervously scampered up to Snape's desk. "You called sir?"

"Both of you!" he hissed, "get up here now," he said, pointing at George.

George grinned sheepishly. "Oh you mean me?"

"I don't see any other Weasleys in the classroom," Snape said coldly as George got up from his table and stood next to Fred.

Snape looked hesitantly at the twins, who had identical mischievous grins. "Which one of you is Mr. George Weasley?" Snape asked, and made it sound of those it was painful to say his name.

"I am sir," Fred said, grinning at his brother.

"No I'm George, Professor," George sniggered, "Or wait. Are you George?"

"I'm not sure," Fred said slowly as the twins could see Snape's temples throbbing violently.

"I've always thought you were Fred," George said, narrowing his eyes.

"Really? I think I look more like a George," Fred replied, pretending to look confused, "maybe even a Jacob."

George stepped back to look at Fred, as though he were an artist admiring his work. "I see what you mean. I don't see you being a Jacob, I do see you being a George."

"You really think so?" Fred snickered, "Hey! You look like a George too!"

"That's because we look the same dear brother," George said as he patted Fred on the back.

"ENOUGH!" Snape yelled as he ran out of the dungeons shouting things like 'I should have never applied for this bloody job.'

"You know what Fred," George smiled

"What?"

"I think we just made a friend."


	4. Girls, Ghosts and Ghouls

**Girls, Ghosts and Ghouls**

_Right then...where were we, George?_

_Telling 'em about that insufferable git, Snape_

_Oh yes! That old grease ball. I haven't seen him lately, not that that's a bad thing..._

_I agree with you on that! Actually, I saw old Snape a few days ago. He was really happy about something, and smiling a lot, which I found rather disturbing..._

_Maybe he brushed his teeth for the first time, and realized what a blessing it is to have a clean mouth._

_Possibly_

_Ah well, lets get on with the chapter..._

"You there, wait!" Fred and George turned around the see the girl Fred had stopped on the train, sprinting towards them with two other girls.

"I don't think we've been introduced properly," she said, smiling, "I'm Angelina Johnson, this is Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell. We're fellow Gryffindors too," Angelina added as she pointing to the crest on her robe.

"Oh," Fred replied, lost for words. Angelina was tall with dark brown hair that was pulled back in a high ponytail. The twins couldn't help but notice that she was rather pretty.

_Now hold on one bloody moment!_

_What now Fred?_

_Angelina isn't 'rather pretty' she's VERY pretty! Extremely pretty! Remarkably pretty! Strikingly pretty—_

_Okay! I get your point! Don't go all poetic on me now! I'll rephrase the bloody sentence!!_

The twins couldn't help but notice that she was VERY pretty.

_Satisfied Fred?_

_Yes_

_Then may we continue, oh high and mighty love god?_

_We may_

"Are you going to try out for Quidditch?" Alicia asked anxiously

"We might."

"Well, we'll see you on the pitch then!" Katie announced as the three girls walked off down the hallway. Fred and George stood in the middle of the staircase, dumbfounded.

_Now wait just one minute!_

_What is it George?_

_I'd just like to make it clear that YOU were the only one dumbfounded!_

_Was not!_

_Was too!_

_Was not and that's final!_

After they had both come back to reality, they headed straight for the Transfiguration classroom, when suddenly a loud crash exploded through the hallway. George backtracked and glanced down the hall, only to see a sight most surprising. There was a little, cackling man, who looked like he mugged a clown and stole his clothes. Fred's mouth dropped when he noticed not only was the man floating in the air, but he was juggling at least twelve clay pots.

"A ghost," George grinned as he watched the man terrorize the students by throwing dead rats at them, and sneaking up on the people yelling 'BOO'.

The ghost suddenly noticed he had an audience watching him, and glided over to the twins, who stood their ground.

"Aw, look at what we have here! Ickle firsties!" he said, smirking, "I hope I'm not scaring you?"

"Psh! We don't get scared easily," George retorted as the ghost raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

"I see," he grinned mischievously, and stuck out his transparent hand, "I'm Peeverus."

"Pleasure," Fred smiled slightly, "But mind if we call you Peeves instead?"

"Go ahead," Peeves replied, when suddenly an elderly man came bustling through the Great Hall doors. He had a few grey hairs on his head and more wrinkles than Fred and George had ever seen. Behind his humped body, was a scrawny cat that looked like it was undergoing animal abuse.

"Who's that?" Fred asked

"Old Filch," Peeves answered

"What about that cat?"

"Mrs. Norris."

"Mrs? How is a cat a Mrs?"

"I don't know," Peeves said irritatingly, "Stop pestering me with your questions, firsties."

"Unhand those vases this instant you vial tyrant," Filch roared as he began trotting towards them with a mop in one hand.

"Is he talking to me?" Peeves snorted arrogantly, "Fine take these worthless antiques," he said as he dropped all the pottery he was holding.

"Why you little guttersnipe!" Filch spat as Peeves mockingly waved at them, and disappeared, "I'm seeing the headmaster 'bout this."

"Excuse me sir," Fred piped up

"Eh? What d'you want?" Filch growled

"Well, my brother George and I are just curious about something."

"What?" he demanded

"Are you a ghoul?"


	5. The Marauder's Map

**The Marauder's Map**

_You can only imagine Filch's expression after we asked him if he was a ghoul..._

_It was unforgettable, really._

_Hey George, d'you reckon that was how we got on Filch's bad side?_

_Probably not. I mean, it was an honest mistake, and he's probably been asked a million times before_

_True. So what do you think it was then?_

_Well, I believe it was all the tormenting we did, right after we got the you-know-what_

_Oh, right! Lets tell 'em about that..._

"Now you two runts are goin' to get it this time," Filch hissed at the twins from his desk. They had set off an enormous amount of dungbombs in the girl's bathroom, which was now extremely hazardous to students, and anyone who dared enter would last 10 seconds before falling unconscious. They were now standing in the middle of Filch's office, which was no larger than a broomstick cupboard, with a wobbly desk and a moth-eaten chair squeezed into a corner. The only source of light was a dim light bulb, and lining the walls was mouldy, gray wallpaper that was beginning to unravel. There was no other furniture in the room, other than a large, metal filing cabinet with 'RESTRICTED' written across the front in big, shiny letters.

Filch was enthusiastically scribbling down all the 'offenses' Fred and George had done. "Purposely – hurting – other – students" Filch said as he wrote on his clipboard.

"Now wait just one bloody second," George sniggered, "we didn't intentionally want to get anyone hurt!"

"Laughs – at – idea – of – people – hurt"

"No!" George cried, "That's not what I meant."

"Denies – murderous – attempts – to – hurt – students"

"_Murderous?_"

"Please, it was just a few dungbombs, nobody really got hurt!"

"Contradicts – that – people – got – hurt" Filch paused, "Five – bodies – found"

"_Bodies?_" Fred spat, "They were only unconscious!"

"Only? Well lets see what the headmaster thinks. You two stay here while I'm gone," Filch growled, "Maybe I'll be allowed to use the whip," he muttered hopefully to himself, before leaving.

Fred grimaced. "The whip? That can't be good."

"Stop worrying dear brother," George answered, "Dumbledore won't let him do anything of the sort. Now, let's explore Filch's office while he's gone."

Fred snorted. "What's there to explore?"

George chuckled as he pointed to the filing cabinet. Fred's eyes lit up with glee. Not only was Filch gone, but he accidentally left the drawer open, revealing numerous folders. The twins looked at the open drawer as though it were the golden gates to heaven.

"George, pinch me I'm dreaming," Fred said breathlessly, "_Ow!_ Not literally you jerk!"

George grinned sheepishly, "Wicked check this out," he said holding a bunch of folders, "You sort through those, and I'll do these."

"Alright," Fred agreed, "Hey listen to what this person did. He tried to poison Snape!"

"Not a bad idea," George said thoughtfully, "But if you ask me, these people are all amateurs."

"Hey George, look at this," Fred said excitedly as he held up a large folder with an 'M' on the front. "The...Marauders..? Who are they?"

"Dunno, lemme see that," George said as he grabbed it out of Fred's outstretched hands. "Well this is more like it."

"What?"

"They transformed their fellow classmates into..," George laughed, "Fire-breathing cows!"

"Brilliant!"

"Hey, what's this?" George asked as he picked up a blank parchment that had fallen out of the folder. As soon as he held it in his hands, magic ink began to pour through the page.

**_Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs _**

_**Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mishchief-Makers**_

_**Are proud to present THE MARAUDER'S MAP**_

Fred squealed in delight. "The Marauder's Map? How does it work?"

George pointed his wand at the parchment. "Show yourself."

_**Mr. Prongs asks that you mind your own business **_

_**Mr. Moony says that if you cannot find a way to work the map, you are clearly NOT Marauder material**_

_**Mr. Padfoot bids good day to you both, and suggests that you two find something else to do with your worthless lives**_

"Worthless?"

**_Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony_**

"Who's Mr. Wormtail?"

"Dunno, but he certainly has no personality or opinion whatsoever."

Fred stared at the parchment. "Well what do you have to say to open it?"

**_Mr. Padfoot acknowledges that you two are quite dimwitted _**

_**Mr. Moony suggests that you take the Marauder oath**_

"The Marauder oath?" George said, bemused, "What's that?"

"Maybe its..." Fred trailed off, "Oh no, quick Filch is coming. Take the map, we'll figure it out later."

**Hey REVIEW PLEASE!! Please please please please!! Okay, I'll stop but please review!!! **


	6. We Solemnly Swear

**Hello! Thank you for still reading my story! So for the oh-so-long wait! I've been really busy with homework, sports, friends, writing BUT I finally updated. I hope you like this chapter, and please review after reading it! Thanks! **

We Solemnly Swear

_Hello again! So, did we build up the drama enough? Were you wondering whether or not we were able to read the map?_

_Well worry no more! 'Cause we're going to start right where we left off..._

"George, hurry Filch is coming," Fred repeated as he watched Filch approach the 'office' from the other side of the hallway, attempting to deflect jinxes students were saying at each other.

"Crickey!" George gasped as he closed the drawer and moved quickly next to Fred. They were standing in the middle of the room, wearing vacant expressions, and trying to suppress their excitement of the map. It would have been extremely awkward to just be standing around, but given that there was no other furniture excluding Filch's chair, which neither of the twins would particularly desperate enough to sit on, this was an exception.

"What were you doing?" Filch demanded as he entered the room.

"Err...nothing."

"Nothing?" Filch grunted, "As if nothing." Suddenly with one swift movement, Filch reached under his robe and pulled out a clipboard. George's eyebrows shot up to the ceiling, but Fred however remained silent.

"What else d'you have under there?" George asked

Filch didn't answer, and he began scribbling down on the paper. "Breaking – into – janitor – office"

"Hey! That's not true! You knew we were here!" George cried.

"Silence! Talking – back – to – others"

"Hey!"

"Denying – attempts – to – steal – private – property"

"_Steal?_"

"That's right," Filch growled, "Now get out! Out, out **out!**"

The twins eagerly sprinted down the hallway, receiving curious glances from fellow students. Fred followed George as they turned the corner, behind a statue of a one-eyed-witch.

"George?"

"Yes Fred"

"Why do we always come near this ugly statue?"

"I dunno, you're the one that always comes here. I thought you fancied the old toad."

_Now wait just a second!_

_What is it Fred?_

_What is it? You're giving the readers the impression that I was in love with an ugly slab of stone!_

_Weren't you?_

_NO!_

_Hmm, well you had me fooled...._

Fred shivered. **He could never fancy anything that..._ugly._** "Right," he said stiffly, "Well lets find out how to work that map."

"Okay," George agreed, "But what is the Marauder Oath?"

"I dunno," Fred mumbled

George looked thoughtful. "Hmm, well they were trouble-makers so maybe it was something like...'I promise to kill Snape.'"

The map remained blank in George's hands. "Well, apparently not. How about, 'Reveal your inner secrets!'"

Fred snickered, "You're starting to sound like Trelawney...inner secrets.." he said shaking his head.

"Fine Mr. I'm-so-smart-I-can-figure-out-how-to-work-the-damn-map-by-myself! You try!"

"Alright," Fred replied as he pointed his wand to the map, "I swear I'm up to no good."

"Hey, you might have something there," George began, "Maybe swearing isn't enough. Maybe you have _solemnly_ swear. Here, 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

"George! Look!" Fred cried as the magic ink poured into the parchment, forming the most intricate map the twins had ever seen.

"Is that Snape?" Fred asked as he pointed to a tiny dot in the staff washroom.

"Ew, yes it is. Hey look, Filch is coming our way" George exclaimed.

Fred suddenly looked startled, "Well, put it away, lets get out of here!"

"Why?"

"Well," Fred said slowly, "You know when he pulled out his clipboard."

"Yeah"

"Well I accidentally saw what's under his cloak."

George beamed at his brother. "I knew it! He has tentacles, doesn't he?"

Fred shook his head. "What about...purple legs," George smiled at the thought, "Purple, hairy legs?"

"No George, I don't know what his legs look like," Fred whispered, "But I do know one thing."

"What?" George asked anxiously

"Filch wears women's tights."


	7. Mr Quacks

_Alright, we're back again!_

_Yes, well now you all know why we fear Filch so much!_

_Yeah, actually George, I couldn't sleep last night because of it._

_Are you serious? That's horribly pathetic._

_Thank you Mr. Sympathy. And I'll remind you that I was the one to see the tights, not you._

_**What color were they?**_

_White._

_**Ewww, that's disgusting!**_

_Yeah, almost as disgusting as you writing in our book, Ickle Ronnykins._

_**Hey George, that hurts**_

_Good._

_**Mother of all prats...**_

_Excuse me?_

_You're the one writing in OUR story! And I'll remind you that the only prat in the family is Percy_

_Oh yeah, ol' Weatherbee_

_Hey George, d'you reckon we ought to dedicate a chapter to ol' Perce?_

_I don't see why not..._

Mr. Quacks 

"Morning y'all," Fred said cheerfully, "It's 6am, everyone up!"

"Fred," Lee yawned, "It's Saturday. Go back to bed."

Fred frowned. "Don't tell me you two forgot about _Operation Rubber Ducky?_"

"Come again?"

"George, you moron," Fred hissed, "Don't you remember that today we were planning to wake up early so we could sneak into Snape's bedroom and turn him into a plastic duck?"

George smiled mischievously as he jumped out of bed, "Of course! Well c'mon what are we waiting for?"

"Lee, are you going to come?" Fred asked

"Sure. I wouldn't miss Snape turning into a bathtub toy for the world." And with that, the three of them ran out of the dormitory and through the common room, when suddenly George bumped into Percy.

"Watch it!" Percy snapped as the mug of coffee he was holding spilt all down his shirt.

"Sorry Perce, didn't see you," George replied

"George, you're a bloody idiot!" Percy yelped as the coffee burned him, "I have a date with Penelope Clearwater today, and now I'm going to have to take a bath." Percy angrily marched up to his dorm while the twins and Lee continued down to the dungeons to finish Operation Rubber Ducky.

"Sheesh, what's eating him?" George said hotly

"Dunno, he's proably just upset because he has to clean himself."

"Okay, here we are," Lee said nervously as they approached an enormous door with a painting of a man breast-feeding a baby. "This painting is so wrong."

"I don't know about you guys," Fred announced, "But I'm a little nervous to see what's inside this room."

"Password?" the painting asked

"Goths rule." The portrait swung open, revealing a very cramped room with a moth-eaten mattress on the floor. On the mattress was Snape, dressed in _Stuff by Hilary Duff_ pajamas.

"Okay boys," Fred laughed, "Let's do it now."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"Stupid little brothers," Percy muttered to himself as he let the water run in the bathtub, "why couldn't I be an only child? Anyway, must hurry, can't keep Penelope waiting. Oh no! WHERE'S MISTER QUACKS?" Percy yelled as he ran out of the bathroom. Then he spotted Fred, George and Lee coming back through the portrait holding a rubber duck.

"There you are!" Percy shouted, "Give me back Mr. Quacks, **now**."

Fred looked confused. George and he had burned Mr. Quacks months ago for an experiment with rubber. "Uh, Percy, this isn't Mr. Quacks."

"Oh, be quiet, of course it is," Percy said forcefully as he grabbed the duck out of Fred's hands and ran into the bathroom and shut the door. From inside they heard Percy get into the bath and start saying things like 'Mr. Quacks! Stop it! That tickles'.

"I don't think he knows that he's taking a bath with Snape," George said thoughtfully, "Should we tell him?"

"Nah, he'll find out sooner or later."

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